A Friend

It's been a long time since i wrote something on my blog and i feel extremely guilty for neglecting my blog especially when i read other's blogs ... I immediately log off then to compress my guilt but today is different .. on the second week of my second semester im bunking all the four classes so I thought I should do something productive rather than filling up my bed.

   My life has changed alot from the last blog I posted .. I saw lot many faces that taught me a lot .. sense and non-sense, however, the non-sense preeching was unavoidable and  I kinda enjoyed it .. sometimes trash is interesting.

   out of all the faces I met in this college there are only two faces that I love the most and one is this girl.. My Friend MADHAVI... sometime I feel we are soulmates inspite of all the differences

# both of us are lazy bums.
# both of us give stiff competition to each other when it comes to bunking classes.
#both of US are among the lowest scorers in the last class.
# both of us are regualr visitors to the hospital due to our almost non-existing immune system.
# both of us are extremely moody.
#both of us laugh at anyone and everyone for no reason.
and so on

There are differences in our thinking but we are sensible enough to accomadate those differences and move further... I LOVE HER.. not only because she bought lot of pastries and made into a cake and decorated with some wild and ugly looking flowers for my b'day only to bring me out of my  I - MISS - MY BOYFRIEND- PHASE. offcourse b'day cake is one of the reason i fell in love with her ( it was delicious may be coz it was made of love along with the other ingredients).. but the main reasonS I love her is the fact that she is no more in my class and it is now that I realize and miss the amazing bond between us ..

I miss the cross - talks we used to do when the whole class WAS jumping on their chairs desperate to give answers to the teachers.. I miss the long chit-chats we used to do about our faculty.. now that we are in differnet class I donT'e even know who is teaching her..

Finally I'm happy to find her .. this seperation is temporary atleast she is ON my floor so I can manage with that much .
Her presence means alot and I'm sure I will have her even at the end of two years when I will be happily bidding bye to this college.

P.S - we all have our friends and we know they mean to us but have we ever told them that.. ? not really .. I just told her ..
 cheers to those awesome friends we have in our life...without them life would be like a sugarless expresso and I hate expresso LET ALONE THE SUGARLESS EXPRESSO.

A Night Of Realization...

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                    It was raining that night. She dint pay attention, she dint bother to get up from her bed to enjoy the rain. She hated that night, the night that made her to witness her shattering dreams even before they become a reality. She wept all night. Her tears refused to stop and she allowed them to follow freely. That was the night when her budding love came to an end but why? She dint know ; all she knew was that it is no more.

  It all started a month ago when she met this guy from Bangalore in a group chat. There was nothing appealing in his words yet she decided to send him a request for the sake of one single connection between them and that was the connection of their hometown.

   The friend request was accepted and they started chatting. She dint feel anything for him in the beginning neither did he but slowly she started enjoying chatting with them.Their chatting went straight for 4-5 hours every day and soon they found many more similar links between them. They exchanged phone numbers and then began a schedule of         CHAT – MESSAGE – CALL- MESSAGE – CHAT. 

  Her logical mind told her that she is losing her sanity for a someone she is yet to meet in person, she could realize that something is blooming but what could that be ? It can’t be love how can anyone fall in love with sum one you met online? That is stupid and she can’t be stupid. 

  Every time such questions poked her mind she had some or the other answers to convince her inner-self. This went on for days and days together she was happy. She dint know what to name that feeling but she was enjoying every moment of it, her friends called her stupid she dint care as far as she is happy she is doing the right thing. She waited for hours and hours for him and his messages .

   Nothing bothered her anymore ; her dad’s nagging s and mom’s complaints all felt like music to her ears because she had better things to think about. He helped her escape into a world far away from pinching realities of her boring life; she was always scared to step into that unreal world but she decided to take baby steps towards it she started dreaming more.The feeling of nervousness was turning into excitement as she would be meeting this guy in person in her new city.

   Amidst of all the excitement she knew that this would not work so well for her, she knew that they were extremes in all the sense especially in their physique; she was fat he was thin and there were many other strange elements in their budding relationship. 

    As the days of her departure came closer she become sad, her insecurities were getting stronger. She was scared to see the feeling of regret on his face when he sees her not that he wanted to be his girlfriend for one she wasn't even sure if t all he has any feelings for her. she was scared of rejections.. she is not beautiful she has always been an average girl and she lacked the confidence of being accepted anywhere and not just in relationships this was probably one of the reasons why she hated relationships and love so much and she never regrets about her this hatred.

  She was not even sure if this is love but then what could this be? Is it lust? But she never lusted for him or maybe she did; she did imagine kissing him in the rain she did imagine embracing him but how can kissing account into lusting? She was confused like never before. She spends her days battling with these insecurities and found no answer whatsoever. She decided to tell him all this and put an end to it all.

She wanted to sleep well, she dint want to hurt anyone. She was rude but not ruthless. She told him whatever was on her mind but only the filtered version, she never admitted to him that she wanted him to touch her, she never allowed anyone to do that. Maybe she won’t let him do that as well.She knew she could be a good friend for him, she wanted his presence. She dint want him to leave, she loved talking to him for hours, she loves to hear him laugh on the phone, and she quietly enjoyed it when they fight over silly things.

   She always maintained a non-nonsense attitude which was working well for her.  She hated stupid people and cheesy boys and she never have time for silly girls and their issues but this guy was different or at least she would like to believe so.

   Its true when you like someone you start accepting and liking everything about them and you start believing that the person is different but she had to put an end to this , this so called relationship or fling or whatever is talking her to a pool of messy emotions and she dint want all that. She hated commitment and he wanted a sure word from her she could not give and he could not take her confused stand any more.He decided to call it off and it happened much easily than she ever expected - her so called break-up even before she started on with a relationship.

  She was sure that no one will ever regret leaving her; it is always easy to dump people like her who want to love everyone and care for people but rejection after rejections from family members , freinds and people around  make them so broken that they forget compassion and empathy. 

  The memories she stored from the time they started chatting started replaying in front of her closed eyes... she could see it all hear it all each and every phoning conversation they had. Now that the end of her virtual reality has happened she started using her brain and she admitted to herself that she likes him but she can never be with him it is not infatuation but it is not that strong a feeling for now for which she will decided to give up her single status which she love the most.

   After endless flow of tears she decided to talk a look at her ever soothing element- RAIN. Briskly she got down from her bed and tip-toed to the balcony. It was raining. 

  The sound of rain drops soothed her ears. She collected the rain drops in her palm and splashed it on her face, she loved it … she moved further to  get drenched in the rain.

   The tiny rain drops washed her off her fears and worries, she was gaining her sanity back, and her mind started working. She sat down. Her wet clothes were clinging on to her body. Rain droplets were dripping from her long hair all of sudden she felt beautiful and wanted.she could feel the confidence within her , a confidence that helped her to brave all odds till date is back.  “This can’t be love” she told to herself; love can’t be this difficult. She is strong enough to support herself mentally and emotionally. She needs no support from anyone.

She got up walked back to her favorite corner in her balcony. She always found solace and peace in rain and loneliness. She checked her mobile… no messages no missed calls… she was sure he would never call her back but she was no more bothered. She was happy for reasons unknown. She was sure of one thing by this time – she likes him she might be stupid or crazy but she sure likes him… she knows she will never commit to him but the feeling of loving someone itself is enough for her to be happy .

   Not every relation comes with names and tags you just need to go with the flow and enjoy it and that’s what she decided to do.. She got up went back to her bed and slept peacefully.

  It was indeed a night of realization for her. She realized that she can never be with this guy but he means something to her… something that she cannot express in words but she can feel it.

  She smiled to herself. She checked the clock it was a 3 in the morning she decided to sleep thinking of him. He is different and He is someone she can fall back on when she trips emotionally she reassured herself.      

See Through My Lens: A few frames

See Through My Lens: A few frames

I 'am ME

I cry yet I care

I sulk yet I smile

I love like there is no tomorrow

I hate like each day is a sorrow

I loathe I lust

I live to trust

I laugh to hear my echo

I scream like a psycho

My heart lets me love you

My soul lets you touch me

I love you because I want to do so

I hate you because you make me do so

            With the bag full of pride and tissues of love on my shoulders

            I walk into infinity

            To make my destiny

I ‘am a WOMEN, you hear me tear away your inhibitions about me

Because I ‘am born to DIFFER  

The one person who taught me a lot more than i ever expected.

I never wanted a sibling 

never have i thought about mingling 

but he taught me to love people without tags and tag lines

he taught me the feeling of feeling for others unconditionally 

he made me do things i hate with a smile especially changing baby clothes or singing for them

he taught the lesson i so urgently needed to learn - PATIENCE 

this little devil is my neighbor's kid but the affection we have for him is beyond all doors of separation

love is beyond anything it makes a person HUMAN  i now feel it.

you don't have to make yourself love anyone; if you have goodness love will happen . one cannot try and love you should feel the love to love 

love is not to preserve it is to be shown and felt . 

True love is never ending it goes on and on stays there even if the people don't. 

He is truly a best teacher and all the kids are  when it comes to selfless love and affection.

kids are what we adults forget to be - innocent and giving

“Oh! God Mahesh get up its already 8:00. Mahesh… wake up and go and switch on the light, I can’t find my clothes.”

Unwillingly Mahesh dragged him out of his bed to switch on the lights for divya to find her clothes.

“Its just 8:00 pm dive where you going now. Moreover its raining outside. You love rain. Stay here and enjoy the rain with Me.” said Mahesh.

 Divya ignored him and started putting on her clothes.

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Mahesh dint expect dive to answer so he said nothing and returned to his bed. He was watching her getting dressed; he could not help but admire her beauty. Not that he has never seen her naked before but he never had the time to see her getting dressed. He never had the time to admire her long black hair left open touching her bare back. Never before he got attracted to the contrast of her black bra against her dusky skin. They were always in a hurry after  making love.  I love her said Mahesh to himself. He wanted to run his finger tips on her bare  back but choose not to as dive was getting dressed in a hurry and she dint seem to be  in a good mood .

 “What you staring at Mahesh? “its embarrassing . stop it .” Said divya

“Dive you won’t get a auto now don’t go. Stay here tonight “said Mahesh in an appealing tone

“Oh stop it Mahesh don’t act like a baby. You know I have to go.” Added divya quickly  in a  no-nonsense tone. Divya dint want to leave but she had to. She was helpless.

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Mahesh was watching her stuff her bag with the things she bought with her for her 3 days stay with him and he dint like what he was seeing. How could she be so heartless? How can she just walk away just like that when she knows I will miss her? Why can’t she just take a stand for once?  Mahesh was battling with all these questions himself and he was very angry now he wanted to slap divya but he knows he cannot he loves her. He never loved any girl like her loves her. Without a second thought he pulled her close to him

Their lips touched.  They kissed. They got closer and closer. They kissed like they never kissed. Passion and pain of momentary separation was driving them all the more closer and deeper. She was ruffling his hair, he was moving his finger tips on her bare back beneath her shirt while kissing and licking her lips. She was out of breath but she dint want to leave him. She wanted to pause this very moment. She knew she was getting late but she could not stop herself but she was getting late so unwillingly yet forcefully She pushed him away in a jiffy.

“I have to go Mahesh I’ am getting late. I have commitments. I have a husband. He will be back today and I have to be home before he reaches home“ her irritation and helplessness was clear from her voice

“Don’t go dive. You know you don’t love him.” Added Mahesh in an helpless tone

“I know I don’t love him but I have to go back “said dive and she walked up to the door. She could no longer hold her tears back and she let them flow down.  Before leaving he turned back to see him standing there with moist eyes. The man she loves. The only man she ever loved. She loves his presence. She always did but she had no clue he loved her as well because he never said anything when they were together in the same college. She decided to keep her love for him to herself and get on with life until an year ago when she accidentally bumped into him at Trivandrum central railway station just 2 days before her first wedding anniversary with Abhi . Mahesh and divya traveled together in the same coupe and that journey lead her to the forbidden path of the marital norms. She loved him and she gave into her emotions. They became close again emotionally and physically. She knew she was cheating on Abhi but then she never loved Abhi so she never bothered to feel guilty for  what she did with Mahesh because she believed that love conquers and justifies all. She was crying. She always cried for him...

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“Dive you getting late  ... “said Mahesh and his words brought her back to reality breaking her chain of thoughts.

 She loves his voice. She loves it when he calls her dive. She was confessing her love for Mahesh to herself .

“Yes I’am leaving Mahesh and ya don’t cal me today. I will call you tomorrow “saying this she opened the door to leave after saying something she always wanted to say to him

“Mahesh I love you. I always did but I can never forgive you for one thing. You dint confess your feelings for me when you should have otherwise you wouldn’t have to share me with another man today . Bye “saying this she banged the door after her.

I Want To Feel My LOVE For You

 I love to love that someone..

   I thought I would never love.

       I ‘am longing to feel your presence close to my soul

         I want to love you the way I could never love myself

          

On a lonely rainy night

  I wish I was that rain drops falling on your lips

On a sunny day

  I wish I was the first ray of sunlight to kiss your skin

    I want to feel my love for you...

      Because your love makes me love myself

        I never felt I could love myself this much

          Before I started loving you

I want to love someone …

 Because I want to feel how it feels to be in love with someone

I want to love someone..

 Because I want to experience self less love for someone else except me

I want to love someone ..,

Because I know I can love someone with my heart and soul

And not just with  my body..

My defination of Life( inspired by this very moment )

If world is a STAGE ………..

I would like to be the curtain puller of that stage..

Pulling the curtains in and out

For the characters  to come and perform on stage.

If world is a STAGE………

I would like to be the light technician

The one adjusting the intensity of light falling on the characters due to perform

If world is a STAGE……….

I would like to be the sweeper..

The one who sweeps the dust from the stage making way for cleanliness and clarity

To set on the STAGE

If world is a STAGE……

I would like to a Spectator

Watching and cheering for  the other characters

 To tune into their role easily

Sadly   

               Life is not a STAGE

                    Neither Am I a spectator

                            Life is a journey

                             With unsure beginnings and definite destination being DEATH

                                         And I’m a TRAVELER walking towards that destination

                                                   with a smile