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Monday, May 16, 2011

A Night Of Realization...


                    It was raining that night. She dint pay attention, she dint bother to get up from her bed to enjoy the rain. She hated that night, the night that made her to witness her shattering dreams even before they become a reality. She wept all night. Her tears refused to stop and she allowed them to follow freely. That was the night when her budding love came to an end but why? She dint know ; all she knew was that it is no more.

  It all started a month ago when she met this guy from Bangalore in a group chat. There was nothing appealing in his words yet she decided to send him a request for the sake of one single connection between them and that was the connection of their hometown.

   The friend request was accepted and they started chatting. She dint feel anything for him in the beginning neither did he but slowly she started enjoying chatting with them.Their chatting went straight for 4-5 hours every day and soon they found many more similar links between them. They exchanged phone numbers and then began a schedule of         CHAT – MESSAGE – CALL- MESSAGE – CHAT. 

  Her logical mind told her that she is losing her sanity for a someone she is yet to meet in person, she could realize that something is blooming but what could that be ? It can’t be love how can anyone fall in love with sum one you met online? That is stupid and she can’t be stupid. 

  Every time such questions poked her mind she had some or the other answers to convince her inner-self. This went on for days and days together she was happy. She dint know what to name that feeling but she was enjoying every moment of it, her friends called her stupid she dint care as far as she is happy she is doing the right thing. She waited for hours and hours for him and his messages .

   Nothing bothered her anymore ; her dad’s nagging s and mom’s complaints all felt like music to her ears because she had better things to think about. He helped her escape into a world far away from pinching realities of her boring life; she was always scared to step into that unreal world but she decided to take baby steps towards it she started dreaming more.The feeling of nervousness was turning into excitement as she would be meeting this guy in person in her new city.

   Amidst of all the excitement she knew that this would not work so well for her, she knew that they were extremes in all the sense especially in their physique; she was fat he was thin and there were many other strange elements in their budding relationship. 

    As the days of her departure came closer she become sad, her insecurities were getting stronger. She was scared to see the feeling of regret on his face when he sees her not that he wanted to be his girlfriend for one she wasn't even sure if t all he has any feelings for her. she was scared of rejections.. she is not beautiful she has always been an average girl and she lacked the confidence of being accepted anywhere and not just in relationships this was probably one of the reasons why she hated relationships and love so much and she never regrets about her this hatred.

  She was not even sure if this is love but then what could this be? Is it lust? But she never lusted for him or maybe she did; she did imagine kissing him in the rain she did imagine embracing him but how can kissing account into lusting? She was confused like never before. She spends her days battling with these insecurities and found no answer whatsoever. She decided to tell him all this and put an end to it all.

She wanted to sleep well, she dint want to hurt anyone. She was rude but not ruthless. She told him whatever was on her mind but only the filtered version, she never admitted to him that she wanted him to touch her, she never allowed anyone to do that. Maybe she won’t let him do that as well.She knew she could be a good friend for him, she wanted his presence. She dint want him to leave, she loved talking to him for hours, she loves to hear him laugh on the phone, and she quietly enjoyed it when they fight over silly things.

   She always maintained a non-nonsense attitude which was working well for her.  She hated stupid people and cheesy boys and she never have time for silly girls and their issues but this guy was different or at least she would like to believe so.

   Its true when you like someone you start accepting and liking everything about them and you start believing that the person is different but she had to put an end to this , this so called relationship or fling or whatever is talking her to a pool of messy emotions and she dint want all that. She hated commitment and he wanted a sure word from her she could not give and he could not take her confused stand any more.He decided to call it off and it happened much easily than she ever expected - her so called break-up even before she started on with a relationship.

  She was sure that no one will ever regret leaving her; it is always easy to dump people like her who want to love everyone and care for people but rejection after rejections from family members , freinds and people around  make them so broken that they forget compassion and empathy. 

  The memories she stored from the time they started chatting started replaying in front of her closed eyes... she could see it all hear it all each and every phoning conversation they had. Now that the end of her virtual reality has happened she started using her brain and she admitted to herself that she likes him but she can never be with him it is not infatuation but it is not that strong a feeling for now for which she will decided to give up her single status which she love the most.

   After endless flow of tears she decided to talk a look at her ever soothing element- RAIN. Briskly she got down from her bed and tip-toed to the balcony. It was raining. 

  The sound of rain drops soothed her ears. She collected the rain drops in her palm and splashed it on her face, she loved it … she moved further to  get drenched in the rain.

   The tiny rain drops washed her off her fears and worries, she was gaining her sanity back, and her mind started working. She sat down. Her wet clothes were clinging on to her body. Rain droplets were dripping from her long hair all of sudden she felt beautiful and wanted.she could feel the confidence within her , a confidence that helped her to brave all odds till date is back.  “This can’t be love” she told to herself; love can’t be this difficult. She is strong enough to support herself mentally and emotionally. She needs no support from anyone.

She got up walked back to her favorite corner in her balcony. She always found solace and peace in rain and loneliness. She checked her mobile… no messages no missed calls… she was sure he would never call her back but she was no more bothered. She was happy for reasons unknown. She was sure of one thing by this time – she likes him she might be stupid or crazy but she sure likes him… she knows she will never commit to him but the feeling of loving someone itself is enough for her to be happy .

   Not every relation comes with names and tags you just need to go with the flow and enjoy it and that’s what she decided to do.. She got up went back to her bed and slept peacefully.

  It was indeed a night of realization for her. She realized that she can never be with this guy but he means something to her… something that she cannot express in words but she can feel it.

  She smiled to herself. She checked the clock it was a 3 in the morning she decided to sleep thinking of him. He is different and He is someone she can fall back on when she trips emotionally she reassured herself.      


  1. This writing is having a noteworthy version of relationships today. Love, relations, frenship have indeed changed meaning. Sometimes most relations are indeed untagged and it becomes very chaotic to name them. Its becoming increasingly difficult to filter a version with so many thoughts and networks that keep on challenging our mental faculties.
    Nice writing....

  2. cant say i completely equated with her thoughts cos seems a bit silly to want sumthin so much n not do anythin abt it...even weak :o
    a nice tale....tho very cluttered so pls do use more paras :)

  3. @vini - very true .. love in this fast lane is very complicated.

    @sadiya- i hv used more paras . thanks for your suggestion. my character here might be silly but she is scared to commit and get hurt. She dont want to regret and she do not want to hurt him as well .. she is confused :)

  4. Your writing is very fresh and i like it a lot.A well crafted tale. Hope to read more of your work.

  5. good description of a person in luv ....bt it seems i knw dis gurl :)

  6. @ mri - thanks alot :)

    @ ankit - may b u noe sum1 like her how would i noe :D

  7. When will your love for Bangalore end ? That place is the main character of almost all your stories. Well written tale but readers always associate the characters of a story as the writer itself I wont do that and complete you last story i want to know what happens to divya and her poor husband and mahesh.

  8. hey dhanya.....thats an awesome piece of literary work i have ever seen in my life!!!!.....simple yet elegant....you simply rock as a writer!!!!, looking forward to more of this in hyderabad :)

  9. @ anirban - thanks alot for those nice words .. you wil surely get to read more of my stories .. cant stop torturing u with them :D

  10. Damn .. I thought u would kill her.. Should have :)

  11. @VINOD-- i dont feeling like killing my protagnist here.. i kinda like her..


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